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If you've lost a loved one and are finding it hard to face the holidays, here are some tips to help.
Accept the Likelihood of Your Pain
Chances are it will be a painful time.
Though you may feel like bypassing the holidays completely this year, energy would be better spent adapting to the reality of what this season holds for you.
Do not try to pretend that everything is normal and that this year will be no different than past years.
Express Your Emotions
There are many ways to express yourself, search for what works best for you. Some find crying to be helpful, others hardly cry at all – some like to talk a lot, others are quiet. Some find writing to be helpful, others keep hands busy in a different way. The secret is to be yourself.
The important thing when choosing someone to express your grief is to choose someone who listens well and responds thoughtfully. Sometimes, a person who has suffered their own losses can be with you in ways that others can’t. Grief support groups can also be helpful.
If writing is the way you are able to best express yourself, perhaps keeping a journal would be helpful. Regular journaling helps get feelings off your chest, clarifies your thinking, and helps you monitor your progress through grief. Some find that writing letters to the one who died is helpful. Others record their dreams.
Some people best express themselves by music, prayer, body movements, creating something with their hands … be creative.
Feel Whatever It Is You Want To Feel
Sadness depression, anxiety, fear, anger, guilt, apathy
Other feelings include relief, respect, joy, compassion and love
Feelings are a sign that you care and that you are human
Do your best to claim your own feelings
Plan Ahead For the Holiday Season
Plan your day before it arrives
Discuss the issues you find are important to you with those you traditionally spend the holidays. Some issues to discuss:
- What concerns you?
- What do you need for others to understand about you during this time?
- What can they do and refrain from doing that will help you?
- What are some ways you may handle the celebrations so that you can keep the spirit of the season while being honest about your loss? Be creative and list your options.
Turn To Others for Support
The holidays are an emotional time filled with memories.
It is a difficult time to be alone.
Let at least one other person know what your wishes are for the holidays.
Ways that you can be with others:
Talking, shopping, attending religious services, dinners, sharing/discussing books, interest, etc., going to a movie or a play, inviting someone over for a meal.
Know the resources in the community and have the numbers available such as your rabbi, priest, minister, grief counselor, 24-hour hotline if you need someone to talk to in an emergency, or Hospice (261-4404).
Do Something for Others
It is only natural for someone grieving to focus attention on themselves. This is especially true of those early in their grief process. After a while, it is helpful to begin placing some attention on others.
Do something you feel comfortable doing and that brings meaning to you as well as to the lives of others.
Remember to Remember
Remembering your loved one is a way of insuring that the past does not have to remain in the past. It lives on in you and in others.
Memories can bring about sadness but also fondness and reminiscence.
Some comforting ideas that others have used to remember their loved one:
- Pick something that reminds you of (or belonged to) your loved one and carry it, wear it, use it or have it out for you and/or others to see.
- Buy something for yourself in memory of your loved one.
- Create a remembrance area with a picture and a few keepsakes. Perhaps light a candle during a certain time to symbolize the presence of your loved one.
- Create a ritual of remembrance such as looking at photographs or home movies, plant a special tree or buy a poinsettia in honor of your loved one.
- Keep a journal of your thoughts and feelings before, during, and after the holidays.
Harbor Hope
You may be wondering if your grief will ever end and if life will ever return with the interest you once knew. Fortunately, almost all those who experience a loss will recover their interest in life again.
One of the things you can do until you are feeling good again is to have hope. With hope you learn how to heal.
Take Charge Where You Can
There is so much in your life that has moved beyond your control, but there are some actions you can take and some decisions that are within your control:
- If the death isn’t too recent, this may be a good time to evaluate which holiday traditions you wish to keep and which ones have outgrown their usefulness.
- Generally speaking, this isn’t the best time to make drastic changes (like starting life over in a new town or celebrating holidays in faraway place among people who don’t appreciate what has happened to you). Some changes can be helpful however, like changing a holiday meal routine, dining out at a restaurant, or having the main meal at another home. Consider designing new rituals that include opportunities to remember the past while acknowledging that the present has changed.
- Another way to assume control over your life is by eating healthy, drinking wisely, maintaining or beginning an exercise program if your physician approves it, getting proper amount of sleep.
Give Voice to Your Soul
Grief is a time for your soul. Anytime you suffer a major loss, the spiritual side of you will be part of whatever happens.
If your spirit is troubled, know that you are not alone: many people ask similar questions and face similar doubts at such a time as this. These same doubts and questions are voiced in the official texts of most major religions. What you wonder or believe today is not the final word.
Make room during the day for the expression of your soul, depending on what feels natural, this may be a time of prayer, quiet meditation, reading spiritual books or talking with a religious professional.
Be Gentle With Yourself
Set easy goals and congratulate yourself when you achieve them, while forgiving yourself when you don’t.
Give yourself plenty of time to rest.
Avoid committing yourself to doing more than you have the physical and psychological energy to handle.
Accept invitations that feel right and kindly decline those that don’t. Let people know that just because you decline today doesn’t mean you’ll do the same next time.
Pace yourself on your good days and do what feels right. Give yourself lots of latitude on your bad days and accept that most people who are grieving have days like this.
You may desire more stretches of solitude than usual. Use it in ways that feel relaxing to you – exploring out-of-doors, doing something active, long baths, savoring a special treat.
Ease the holiday’s demands that face you by either shopping by catalogue, shopping early to avoid the rush, allowing someone to shop for you or shopping with someone for moral support.
Search Out For and Count Your Blessings
Remain as open as you are able to with what you have to appreciate this coming holiday season. You may find happiness in how little ones can bring real life to the holidays. You may discover a closeness with others that comes from your loss.
During what may seem to be an impossible holiday period, much is possible. You may find richness in times of solitude. Journaling might be very meaningful to you. You may realize that your faith is stronger than you ever thought or growing in deeper ways than you would have imagined.
In time, you may start to discover that your grief experience is leading you to change and grow. You may find that in giving yourself over to your hurt, you are beginning to heal.
One secret to handling the holidays is to stay in the present moment as much as possible.
*Information derived from: Dr. James E. Miller’s “How Will I Get Through The Holidays?”
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